"Everything that arises in relationship with our lovers—all the passion, the love, the anger, the lust, the fear, the desire, the rage—are all part of the fire-package. This is important for you to know. You don’t get the burning passion without the burning rage. You don’t get the depth of heart without the depth of pain.
And personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You see, if it wasn’t for all these strong emotional experiences—the good and the bad, the beautiful and the difficult—then, flat out, we wouldn’t grow. And growth is what we are here to do (so it’d be a shame if we missed out on that experience).
We are programmed to evolve–physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And the people we are most attracted to—the ones who push us to our edges—are the catalysts for that growth. Without them, we would remain stagnant. For me, that just isn’t an option.
So if you can get down with this whole growth-thing, then the next logical question is: How do you find these relationships that will push you into self-actualization?
The answer is: You don’t. They find you.
If you can trust the attraction that you naturally feel for certain, specific people (and it is very specific—you don’t feel this drawn to everybody), then you will be clued-into who you will grow with. Because the level of attraction you feel indicates the level of growth you can experience.
More attraction, more growth. It’s a simple equation. Just listen to your heart’s desire.
Let me break this down for you. Would you expand if you were just hanging out on the couch, experiencing everything as fine ‘n dandy all the time? Not a chance.
If you’re not pushed in either direction—if you’re kind-of indifferent—then expansion isn’t occurring. It may feel pleasant. It may feel peaceful. But it’s not growth-inducing.
I’m not saying that it should never be easy. Relationships are dynamic; they include many ways of being together.
(For the record, my man and I have plenty of couch experiences. Pleasant on the couch? Check. Passion on the couch? Check.)
But here’s the point I’m trying to make: growth isn’t easy.
Real growth comes from a place deep within us. It is a transmutation—from rage into peace, from obsessive controlling into acceptance, from fear to security.
These intense feelings must be activated first before they can be changed. And so for us to really change, we must get activated. We can’t avoid it.
Luckily, if we listen to our hearts and follows its desires, we are led to our soulmates. And they will lead us to growth.
So the next question is, once we are in these relationships how do we deal with the emotions that come with them?
One way: We set an intention to transform feelings of fear into feelings of love.
Sounds easy. It’s not.
When rage, fright, anger and disappointment arise, it means we have fallen into a position of fear. Quite simply, we are scared of losing love. The only thing we can do when this happens is to try, with all we can muster, to return to a sense of love within ourselves.
The person you want so badly has the ability to knock you off your center. Not because they are malicious, but because you care! It’s easy to get overly consumed with them, which leads you to lose contact with yourself.
This is the ultimate test. Can you continue to come back to your sense of self, even in a relationship with someone you’re madly in love with? It’s not easy to do. But it’s absolutely growth-inducing.
Don’t run away from someone because they make you crazy inside; show up to the challenge and change.
Do you need to feel a greater sense of inner-security? Then pursue it.
Do you need to learn the process of forgiveness? Then make it happen.
Do you need to know, on every level, in every way, that you are love? Then contact your source within and don’t let go.
You can do it. You can change. You can grow into the truth of who you are.
When you realize that your partner is not the bane of your existence, but is the means in which you can transform, a new sense of gratitude will emerge.
Make sure you let them in on your appreciation. Next time you get a chance, tell your person (the one who pushes you to your limits and beyond), 'Thank you, my love, for making me feel alive.'"